| Matt Le Tissier | For scoring some of my favourite goals ever. Always great goals and never tap-ins.
He embarrased a Man Utd keeper and with one of the worst shots ever seen in top-flight English football.
For having a knack of doing fuck-all for 80 minutes of a match but scoring wonder-goals and generally looking like a world-beater in the other 10.
He kept fucking Southampton in the Premiership almost single handed for fucking years. This was a team who''s other players consisted of Jason Dodd, Ian Dowie, Tommy Widdrington, Francis Benali amongst others, and who would almost certainly have been relegated if it weren''t for Le Tiss.
He did all this whilst being a big-nosed cunt too. |
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| Sir Bobby Robson | Takes Ipswich 'who the fuck are they?' Town into Europe in 9 out of 10 seasons (they win the cup in the other year), builds a team of home-grown talent, turns most of them in to international players, introduces Muhren and Thyssen to English football and from 1972 to 1982 makes Ipswich consitently the second best team in England. IPSWICH, for fuck's sake!
Does a pretty decent job as England manager, then keeps some Dutch, Portuguese and Spanish supporters happy, before instilling some sanity at St James Park. Oh, and overcomes a couple of cancer scares along the way.
Still working in his 70s. Sir Bobby...cows do not come any more sacred. |
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| West Ham United | Takes away the pain and misery of being a Man City supporter for another season.
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| Sir Tom Finney | Plumbing legend.
Football legend.
Preston North End Legend.
He's older than time itself and still battles on, cheering PNE towards a place in the top flight that they'll never achieve.
Played for England and Preston in every position on the pitch, including goalie.
A true great and as sacred as they come. |
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| Lee Bullen | For playing in every position for Sheffield Wednesday in his time there. For generally kicking the crap out of anyone that comes near him and for scoring the best fluke heading in history against Man City! |
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| Chris Berman and Bill Walton | Two of the funniest sportscasters to ever watch a game.
Berman has nicknames for half of all NFL players and makes outrageous claims that would easily be refuted if someone had the balls to rebuke him.
Walton, one of the greatest college basketball players of all time (behind Alcindor), make a career of growing the most ridiculous facial hair (all bright red), and parlayed a great NBA career into broadcasting while under the influence of some hallucigenic item. Listen to this man for ten minutes and you''ll wonder why the hell he doesn''t provide commentary on everything, including UN meetings. |
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| Edmundo | While the rest of the Brazil squad in the 90s were poncing about with their samba football bollocks, this spiteful cunt was showing them how to really play football. Got banned from the training ground for beating up his own team mates (including that little bastard Romario), got a monkey drunk on live TV in Brazil, and also served jail time for running someone over when he was drunk.
Evil cunt, but he made it funny. |
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| Soccer AM | For allowing me to catch up on the football I missed during the week and for making me chuckle my way through my hangover every Saturday morning.
Lovejoy's reasonably funny, although that West Country bird's getting a little bit annoying these days, but at least we get the genius of the skinny bloke from Kasabian scoring the most outrageous Road to Wembley goal and then Crouch fucking it up.
And the Soccerettes are either nice to look at or fucking brilliant to piss yourself laughing at. The American cheerleaders remain the best there's ever been...
And Sky Plus, for allowing me to not get up at 9 to have to watch the fucker. |
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| Patrice Collazo | Prop who asked his flyhalf to force a scrum from the kick off so he could deck his opposite number for "wearing gloves" |
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| The magic sponge | Back in the 60s,70s and 80s it could cure a significant amount of footballing-related injuries. |
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