| To be great, you have to believe you''re great. Never let some cunt film your sporting achievements as you''ll only see evidence that you''re actually shit |
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| ''Dancesport'' is not a sport and neither is ice-skating. Fact. Nor is darts or any other sport you can play without spilling your pint. Nor is rhythmic gymnastics or any other sport where a 5 year-old''s ability cannot be distinguished from a 30 year-old professional athlete. A sport = any activity where you compete with another person / team, get sweaty or at least risk getting sweaty and run the additional risk of death, injury, scarring or inflicting any of the above on your opponent. |
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| About 3 minutes into the race / game / Chess match you''ve been preparing and practicing over a year for, you will inevitably really need a piss. |
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| When a commentator describes a striker as someone who ''holds the ball up well'' what he really means is....''this donkey''s got no chance of scoring. In fact he''s such a fucking disgrace I''m starting to think that Heskey wasn''t all that bad''... |
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| In moments of sporting triumph, Scots, Welsh and Northern Irish sportsmen and women may be referred to as "British", however when they do not they will be referred to as "the wee Scots lass" or some other mildly insulting remark incorporating the fact that they are not English. |
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| You will continue to think of England as "up there" in terms of being a "world power" in football despite all the evidence to the contrary... |
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| Gladstone Small is head and shoulders above England''s current bowlers. |
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| the amount of goals you have scored in your career is directly proportional to how wide you spread your knees behind the table during the bbc''s football coverage.
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| Even if you are foreign you must shout ''Fucking Hell'' when you miss a sitter. |
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| Childrens sunday league football is a breeding ground for nonces. |
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