| Taking any woman to a sporting event other than horse trials is a waste of a money and therefore a waste of a ticket. |
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| Commentators describe all tall strikers as having 'a good touch for a big man'.
Even if that touch is absolute shite.
Which it invariably is. |
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| If Rio Ferdinand goes up for a corner, he won't score. |
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| If you wear white/red/blue (any colour other than black) boots you are the best player at your club, no matter what the crowd/your team-mates say to you. |
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| When a televised game of football is being played in awful weather conditions, the director will always instruct one cameraman to spend the entire match picking out fans with their shirts off, just so John Cunting Motson can make his annual comment about following the team in all weathers. |
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| Keep into the red and out of the black.
If you drop any darts you won't get 'em back! |
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| If your bird asks if she can watch football with you-always treat this request with the utmost suspicion.You''ve fucked up big time somewhere along the line-and the rotten cow''s gonna make you pay for it!! |
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| No footballer has ever made it untill they've dressed up like Thora Hird on the Question of Sport mystery guest round. |
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| Alex Ferguson has the most gay goal celebration of any manager. |
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| The longer the run up, the higher over the cross bar it will go. |
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