| Try as hard as you might, it''s impossible to bowl yourself out |
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| Never put your name on the back of a replica kit, unless you''re under 5 |
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| If in doubt, pick Monty Panesar |
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| The more you celebrate, the more your goal was in, even if there''s no crossbar |
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| Three goals and in motherfucker, I don''t care who you are |
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| Wearing a fake Burberry cap means you''re more likely to be laughed at than feared. |
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| You miss the goal, you fetch the ball. No, I don't give a shit if you've hoofed it onto a busy main road. You should have thought about it before you gave it the full Geoff Thomas. |
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| Referee/umpire/official: It is my god-given right to call you illegitimate, a cunt, a cheat, blind, bribed and so on. And there\'s dick all you can do about it. |
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| Calling the ref a cunt is ultimately pointless but it will make you feel better. |
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| Take drugs, go faster, earn more. Get caught, retire early. Why have a ten year career when you can earn the same in five and then fuck off? |
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