| Kickabout rule number one: don''t bother keeping score, just save all your energy for ''next goal wins'' |
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| England are just a bit shit at cricket, we might as well all admit it |
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| Going out with Teddy Sheringham does not make you a celebrity |
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| When you''re subbed, always walk to the bench with a slight limp. And pull your shirt out of your shorts too, for some reason. |
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| Upon signing for Newcastle United, the new player must mention how they treat football like a religion up here, that they''ve got the greatest supporters in the world who have been waiting too long for a trophy and that he is not here for the money. Before playing like shit for three seasons and being sold for one-sixteenth of what he was bought for. And then the whole sorry cycle can begin again. |
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| Bowlers win matches when fielders hold catches.
I''m looking at you, Ashley Giles. |
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| Signing for Leeds makes centre-forwards fat. |
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| If the ball rolls in dogshit, say nowt, chuck it in the air and shout ''heads!'' |
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| Never kiss the badge. You don''t mean it, and we know you don''t mean it. Just fuck off back to the centre circle and score us another. |
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| You only ''deserve'' to be top of your group/win the World Cup/be considered favourites if you actually play well.
If you don''t, then you ''deserve'' fuck all apart from ridicule, abuse and lessons in correct grammatical usage.
(England 2006 Word Cup squad take note.) |
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