We've all seen a match where it happens. There's an unexpected cheer from the crowd, play suddenly stops and the camera pans to a blank patch of grass whilst the commentator politely informs us of a 'break in play whilst the authorities deal with a pitch invader'. It can mean only one thing. Streaker.
Whilst all this is going on, the players are supposed to stand there impassively whilst the stewards and police restrain the bollock-naked intruder - usually after a couple of failed rugby tackles to the even greater delight of the crowd. Whatever happens, players must not get involved. It's the law. FIFA say so.
Well in Aussie Rules Football, they have something of a more 'relaxed' attitude to pitch invaders. Particularly naked ones, as this clip from a Northern Territory AFL game proves
Now THAT'S how you deal with some pissed-up attention-seeker with his cock hanging out.
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When he's not helping the removal van reverse up the drive, or making sure the best china’s been bubble-wrapped, Sir Alex Ferguson is well-known for laying down the law to his players.
The latest to get the hairdryer treatment is new signing Nani. Sir Alex doesn't want him doing his trademark backflip celebration after he scores.
But what if he did it before he scored, like this cheeky bastard? What would Fergie do then? Probably FLIP his lid, (cart)WHEEL him out the door and sell him before the end of the SUMMER(sault).
Sorry…
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"Not only have they taken my arms and legs off, now they've cut me balls off as well," thus spake Dennis Wise after the Football League voted to uphold Leeds' 15-point penalty.
Aside from wondering just how short this would have made the loveable rogue (surely he’d have to be measured in negative feet and inches?), imagine if that had been the revised punishment that the League had come up with. Who wouldn't have voted in favour?
Fuelled by this outrageous slur upon Leeds United football club and his own short man complex, Wise continued: "I don't think it's funny. It's just not funny at all."
Well Den, I can assure you that the supporters of 91 other clubs find it ABSOLUTELY FUCKING HILARIOUS. Never mind, just consider it payback for the Don Revie years. Complaining about injustice from a club whose 'legendary' manager used to smooth things over with a brown paper bag full of notes for the ref or opposing manager is a little hypocritical, is it not?
The law of averages dictates that there must be some ordinary, decent Leeds supporters out there. It's just that, like a Liverpool fan without a superiority complex, an Australian who's a gallant loser or a nice South African, I've never met one. I've always been bemused by the way Leeds fans used to chant ‘'Champions of Europe' in the mid-seventies, despite never winning the European Cup. They also assumed that they would walk League One and that the title would easily have been theirs, were it not for the points deduction. Sorry chaps, but that's just not the case. Nottingham Forest didn't walk it last season. And they actually WERE Champions of Europe.
Twice.
"You never see white dogshit any more do you? The only white dogshit you see nowadays is Leeds United," Arthur Smith.
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 | | Published on Wed 25 April 2007 02: 32 |
 | | Published on Wed 25 April 2007 02: 32 |
Manchester United fans are - just like Liverpool fans two years ago - starting to go on about various omens that point to them emulating their treble-winning season of 1999. Just look at the evidence:
• They’ve played Italian sides in the quarter and semi-finals of the
Champions League (Roma and AC Milan) just like they did then (Inter Milan and Juventus).
• They won their FA Cup semi-final at Villa Park (vs Watford) just like they
did then (vs Arsenal).
• The season began with opposition crowds booing one of their players
because of what he did at the World Cup (Cristiano Ronaldo) just like they did then (David Beckham).
But perhaps most irrefutable of all:
• A ginger bloke with a squeaky voice dies after watching them on telly
(Alan Ball) just like he did then (Rod Hull).
Chelsea may as well give up now.
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 | | Published on Tue 24 April 2007 01: 35 |
Some post-match interviews on Match of the Day are so dull you find your mind wandering off to the most bizarre places. Like thinking what it would be like to fly a plane, for example...
It's not the first time Pardew's been associated with a surprise appearance in a cockpit, mind. He allegedly got the boot from his last job for regularly lowering his landing gear and disembarking up the gangway of one of his players' wives - whilst poor hubby was away getting his gambling addiction sorted out, no less.
Bet he gave her a ca-rollocking when he found out...
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 | | Published on Thu 05 April 2007 07: 16 |
 | | Published on Thu 05 April 2007 07: 16 |
After two 'disappointing' performances on international duty, you would have thought that England's finest would given some thought as to why they were being booed and abused by their own fans. Despite being blessed with brains the size of Pete Doherty's cock, some of them may have come to the conclusion that the fans were frustrated at taking time off work and paying good money to end up watching two performances akin to those of an out-of-form under-nines quadraplegic fourth XI. Playing uphill on a sloped pitch. In the rain.
Some of the players may even have been determined to show their fans how much they mean to them. After all, the fans are the lifeblood of the game, aren't they? (Actually, no. The megaloads of cash regularly spunked up by television companies are. The supporters are increasingly being treated less like the lifeblood and more like a venereal disease, but I digress.) Wouldn't it have been nice to see England players showing the fans what they mean to them?
Well, Rio Ferdinand did just that:
What. A. Cunt.
I'm surprised he didn't leap onto the poor woman's back and start screaming at the rest of the crowd, having hit the target. These are his OWN fans, for fuck's sake. Nice to see he acknowledged the fact that he'd given someone an enforced frontal lobotomy before running off to argue with the ref.
Back of the net? Front of Annette, more like.
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