When he's not helping the removal van reverse up the drive, or making sure the best china’s been bubble-wrapped, Sir Alex Ferguson is well-known for laying down the law to his players.

The latest to get the hairdryer treatment is new signing Nani. Sir Alex doesn't want him doing his trademark backflip celebration after he scores.

But what if he did it before he scored, like this cheeky bastard? What would Fergie do then? Probably FLIP his lid, (cart)WHEEL him out the door and sell him before the end of the SUMMER(sault).

Sorry…

"Not only have they taken my arms and legs off, now they've cut me balls off as well," thus spake Dennis Wise after the Football League voted to uphold Leeds' 15-point penalty.

Aside from wondering just how short this would have made the loveable rogue (surely he’d have to be measured in negative feet and inches?), imagine if that had been the revised punishment that the League had come up with. Who wouldn't have voted in favour?

Fuelled by this outrageous slur upon Leeds United football club and his own short man complex, Wise continued: "I don't think it's funny. It's just not funny at all."

Well Den, I can assure you that the supporters of 91 other clubs find it ABSOLUTELY FUCKING HILARIOUS. Never mind, just consider it payback for the Don Revie years. Complaining about injustice from a club whose 'legendary' manager used to smooth things over with a brown paper bag full of notes for the ref or opposing manager is a little hypocritical, is it not?

The law of averages dictates that there must be some ordinary, decent Leeds supporters out there. It's just that, like a Liverpool fan without a superiority complex, an Australian who's a gallant loser or a nice South African, I've never met one. I've always been bemused by the way Leeds fans used to chant ‘'Champions of Europe' in the mid-seventies, despite never winning the European Cup. They also assumed that they would walk League One and that the title would easily have been theirs, were it not for the points deduction. Sorry chaps, but that's just not the case. Nottingham Forest didn't walk it last season. And they actually WERE Champions of Europe.

Twice.

"You never see white dogshit any more do you? The only white dogshit you see nowadays is Leeds United," Arthur Smith.